In a sweater poorly knit

Why do I do the things I do?
Why do I work out?
Wear makeup?
Eat nothing?
Do my hair?
Take pills?
I hate being alone but I hate guys even more. I want to trust someone wholeheartedly. That will never happen. I get so confused sometimes by people's actions. I thought I was good at reading people and interpreting their actions towards me but I guess not.



Well here's to living in the moment
cause it passed

But That Day Will Most Likely Never Come For Me

Tonight was cool. Kaela and I are invincible. She really is my best friend. We kinda didn't like eachother a whole bunch when we first met due to certain circumstances, but now we are inseperable. We've been through so much together and I love that girl so much. She's beautiful, smart, funny, and loyal. Our relationship is easy to explain; we are Tyler Durdan and narrator, respectively. What happens to one always happens to the other. It's crazy and I feel like no one would truly understand unless they've been in our shoes for all of the times this has happened to us. Well now she is in a nice relationship and is happy and really trusts this guy. I'm waiting my turn. It's gonna happen for me because it happened for her :)

I haven't been able to feel my feet for hours. Perhaps a symbol? Anywho, I'm going to bed. Too much excitement for one weekend. Ughh this bed is so damn empty

If Blood Is Thicker Than Water Then

You'll drown quicker than we intended.

I'm convinced that my mother wants me to be sad. She has turned me into a cynic and has convinced me that there is no such thing as sincerity in this world. No matter what, someone has an ulterior motive. I can't just accept anything anymore. She has even ruined gifts for me. She fucking researched a gift that I received and reveled in her discovery that there was a potential for lack of meaning and sincerity in it. She called me immediately to tell me of her findings.

I got half depressed yesterday. There was so much mention about Christmas and the holidays. I wish I could be a kid again. Everything seemed fair and wonderful. It wasn't though. It isn't. If I have it my way, I won't receive a single gift for Christmas this year. I want a year off. Unfortunately I already got one person something. I'm probably going to give it to him simply as an apology for the shitty calendar gift from '05 :)

My friends suck terribly sometimes. Lying to me, judging me/hypocrisy, lying some more, sneaking behind my back to spy on me, throwing hissy fits, being manipulative, taking advantage, putting me down, trying to make me look bad. That doesn't sound right. Shitty friends...

I'm dedicating the rest of this day to studying and relaxing. Disregard my rsvp. I'm flying solo tonight.

Clever

I've adapted skills from one of my good friends. She's an expert detective and I've been taking notes. I pulled one of her schemes and it worked! No details here, just know that it worked. I'd never use information like that against someone though. It wouldn't be fair.

As soon as the gym opens this afternoon I'm gonna start my daily routine again. I'm so excited!

I guess I really don't have too much to write. Hmmm... Well I'm slowly learning that it's ok to have a little faith in some people. Not everyone lets you down. I really like that.

Epilogue

Last night was wonderful. Kaela loved it and everyone showed up like they said they would. I can't wait for the pictures to surface. We all looked cute. I feel like I needed that night so much. I think tonight I'm going to walk around a bit. I haven't done that in a while and it's so nice outside. Too bad it isn't safe to go alone. I'll bring the mase.

I haven't left my room since I've been home. They all think I'm asleep. It's too weird now. They all look at me differently. I can tell. I feel it in my bones that my tests on friday are going to be as inconclusive as the rest, and I hope after that everyone will calm down. I'm tired of tests. I still have marks on my chest from the last one. It hurt so bad. I just want things to go back to normal. I don't like this at all. I take pride in being strong and fearless, but the world knows I'm anything but that right now.

I need a familiar hug
A familiar smile
An unfamiliar hope
that will stay a while


...and although I told him, he didn't even know about the tests...

I'm More Afraid Than You Are

Tonight is Kaela's surprise birthday party. I'm really excited and hopefully all goes well. We decorated like fiends and made a big cake. I even "bought" her an expensive black dress :)

I really think that I got fucked over bad, to put it lightly. One person has done so much damage, and even though I let go and cut most of the ties the damage is still there. I am going to die all alone, but hopefully I won't have too much longer to go. Btw, I find out friday if I need a valve replacement. My test on wednesday didn't go too well, but we know now that it isn't a coronary problem or a hole, so now we are checking the pulmonary valves since that was the defect I was born with anyway. Moving on. I'm seriously screwed and no matter what I do I'm never going to love anyone ever again. As hard as I try I don't trust anyone and I can't let anyone in. Even if I'm certain that someone likes me or even cares about me I still believe that they will hurt me and lie to me. No matter what they tell me or how wonderful they are, I still believe that once they leave they are up to no good. I try so damn hard, but it doesn't help at all. The worst part is that even though I'm alone I still have the risk of getting hurt... from my lonely, paranoid self.

Look at all these hearts I broke for you

I wrote this a week ago...



Another broken heart is achieved.
Adjusting my grip, I feel its final clamor.
My hands are dripping wet, stinging from the sorrow that was kept within. Hidden.
They never showed me.
I filled them with that sorrow.
I tempted them.
Addiction was inevitable.
The streaks of tears on their faces were the most pitiful, and yet most glorious track marks one could ever behold.
Boldly displaying their lack of shame for their obsession.
I let them believe in “us”.
They continued in valiant attempts, but never completely obtained me.
I’m not sure if I even could at this point.
It’s taken me this long to realize that.
To realize a lot of things.
I’ve been addicted as well.
I tricked myself into this.
What a thing to do.
And this smell. This smell is so familiar.
This stinging on my hands, it isn’t from their blood.
It’s my own heart.
What just happened?
I’m loosing feeling in my limbs.
It’s spreading like a disease.
Like lies.
I retreat to the floor willingly, as the choice to do so was quickly fleeting.
My body begins to coil from the contamination in my blood.
From the lethal amounts of oxygen circulating throughout my body.
A side effect of the rapid and panicked breathes I struggle for.
My vision is fading and complacency is setting in.
My blood is on my hands.
I broke my own heart.

Pious and Pretty with a Deadly Disease

I'll go further into detail when I have more time, but for now I just need to tell someone about this morning. My heart finally fucked up bad. I was in class and I suddenly couldn't catch my breath. I eventually had to walk out on my class because it was too much to handle. I made it halfway down the hallway...then collapsed. It took a while for me to have enough control to do anything, but I was eventually able to call 911, not knowing the people around me had already done so. It felt like a lifetime before the ambulance came. I'm ok now. Like I said, I'll explain more later.

On a more positive note, I made some serious progress with the nonsense I had been feeling for a while and I really think I'm ok. I'm grateful for so many things, and being obsessed with something so trivial is just wrong. I love myself, and that is a wonderful feeling <3

Not The Sun

This is painful at best.
Going on for no apparent reason
other than deciding today is not the day.
Constantly seeking purpose and meaning
just to avoid sinking too deep.
Hurry up with the diagnosis
so I have something to smile about.
A nice change of pace until it's over.
The silence at night is deafening
with the overwhelming sound of
a half-beating heart.
The result of a heart without love.



"Oh she'd lie on her bed
And stare into harsh white light.
And think that her heart's not right."
-copeland

"I Can't Be Honest With Even Myself

Did you ever wish you were somebody else?"


I'm watching a show on my computer. I'm jealous of the relationships I'm watching. I'm jealous of the tension, the excitement, the choices. Amused by the cunning of the handsome antogonist, I begin to smile. Then - the show ends. The screen turns black and all I see is a reflection of myself. Suddenly the smile fades and I am left with nothing but the reality and emptiness of my life.

How could I ever make you smile...

Don't Stop Talking To Me

I haven't been listening.

I've got to stop reading what other people write. It's a form of daily abuse that I can't handle anymore.

"I Fixed Myself Up Nice...

...but you never came"


No surprise here. I can't handle this disappointment anymore. I held on as long as I could, but it has been months since I let go. You don't exist. The gun was in your hand for so long, but once I realized it was in mine you stopped existing. I've known this for a while so it's a terrible thing that I'm feeling disappointed. When people tell me things I just automatically want to believe them.

I carved a pumpkin today. It's adorable. Then I cleaned the seeds and cooked them and we all enjoyed some salted pumpkin seeds. I love hanging out at Sam's apartment :)

I'm going running with Katelynn in the a.m. so I'm going to bed. Sweet dreams

Always Assuming The Worst

But you're going on nonetheless...

This is not about you.

Last night was a blast. I got my typical Monday meal of cheese fries and a "healthy" burger, then enjoyed The Hills with Sam. Then after that we watched the intense Dallas v. Buffalo game. It was awesome, and apparently everyone in my quad felt strongly about the teams in one way or another because for the last 10 minutes there was a full out riot. It was great. Then we went outside and played volleyball until they shut the lights off outside. Good times.

This is not about you.

So I have decided to boycott the new Spill Canvas album. It makes me feel so much lonelier than I already am. I am so afraid that I am never going to move past where I am at right now. I lack the passion and desire that I once had, and I hide in my work to avoid the way that makes me feel. I study more than I need to, I read everything I'm assigned which is not necessary at all, and I spend so much time in the gym and in front of the mirror obsessing over my body. Distractions are an addiction.

This is not about you.

Yesterday morning I woke up early and ran outside for a while. I was proud of myself but I'm not too sure why. I guess since I don't like to run outside. After my run I came back, took a shower, ate 2 egg whites, and went to class. Towards the end of class my body felt very weird and I just wanted to get back home. As soon as class was over I rushed back to the apartment and passed out as soon as i hit the bed with my shoes and purse still on. I woke up when Kaela came in a little while later and I felt like I had been hallucinating. I also realized I was barely breathing. I found my inhaler and took a puff, hoping that I would feel fine in a matter of minutes. Well about 2 minutes later I couldn't even stand. My whole body was shaking. Hands, legs, jaw, chest. My lips turned blue and I couldn't focus at all. I laid down and the bed started shaking. I was taking fast, short breaths and was pretty sure I was about to have some sort of stroke or seizure. I didn't do anything. I didn't call anyone, I didn't try drinking water, I didn't pray. I did nothing. It wasn't something that I did (or didn't do) on purpose, but now I'm a little concerned about my actions. I intend to go see a doctor about this eventually. It was terrifying and I can't explain why it happened. All I know is I was alone, and the worst part is I was alone by choice. Foreshadowing, perhaps?

This is not about you.

In a few hours I will find out what I've been waiting to know. I haven't told too many people about it and with good reason (See last post). This may actually be considered the third part of my life, and I like keeping it separated as well. School, home, and this. This. This is probably nothing though. I've made it something, but I know all too well that it isn't.

It looks like it's about to rain, and I have two more classes that I can't miss. Hopefully it holds off a little longer. Bad weather like this makes me glad I hid the real me away. I'm not going to get wet.

Checks and Balances

There is a very good reason why I don't like to mix my school life with my home life. A lot of my friends are from central and north jersey, and half of their high schools go here. Unfortunately for them it usually results in uncontrollable gossip, lying, and other sorts of trouble. That is why I don't like to integrate the two. I don't usually talk about my Rutgers friends to my friends at home, and vice versa. I also usually don't invite anyone from home to come visit. I'm not a big fan of personal guests. I don't like having to entertain someone, especially not while I have tons of work to get done. I also like having that separation because it makes me feel like I have something beyond school. I have a family, a home, and old friends. I just wish my "old" friends didn't interfere so negatively with my life here. I'm going to have to stop slacking on my rules about my separate lives. I was lenient for a while with some particular people, but as I suspected it bit me in the ass. No more guests, no more convos, no more integration. I should've stuck to my guns on this one.
I'm so nervous about this weekend, and not for the above-mentioned reasons either. I am going to be lost. Words, emotions, actions. God help me. Please be understanding if no one hears from me for a week or two after this friday. I'm probably ok, it's just that I'm not ok.
And yet another useless post. You're welcome.

Setting In Our Honeymoon

I'm not in a creative mood right now, but I feel like typing. Today was amazing. Sasha and I woke up early, ate a healthy breakfast at the dining hall, worked out for an hour and 40 minutes, showered, then were drawn to the BBQ outside by the sounds of Brand New gracing the speakers. It was the freshman bbq for Perry and Vorhees, and we figured we could score some free hot dogs then peace out. As soon as we walked over we were greated with requests for us to join in on the volleyball game. We did....after we ate yummy food and sat in the soft grass, enjoying the beautiful weather and fun music. Then we played "soccer" with the 5ft tall "soccer ball." Ask me who scored the winning point. Ask! It took 4 people to move that sucker but once it broke free i ran it back over half the field and scored!! I felt like a champ :) Then we danced and played more volleyball and laughed and laughed and laughed. The weather was wonderful. I might have gotten a bit of a tan. Wanna check for me? We met lots of nice people but talked mostly with the RA's and RD's cause come on, the rest of the kids were frosh. Helloooo. Seriously though, everyone was great. Too bad I didn't ask for last names, because now i can't facebook them and be real friends ;) Oh well, they know where to find me.

Did I mention that friends suck ass sometimes and completely dissapoint you and randomly treat you like shit? Moving on...

Growing up is so strange. You realize way too much. You might watch a movie that you haven't seen since you were a kid and it seems completely different. You pick up on more things because you've been exposed to more things. Inuendos, euphemisms, the words inuendo and euphemism. Lately I've been realizing a lot about a lot. Just a few minutes ago I realized why I've never wanted to have a girl. It was always odd because I never had a good reason for not wanting to have a baby girl, but I felt so strongly about it. I guess when your parents make it clear that they never wanted a girl, and when your mom tells you she cried out of pure happiness to find out her third child was not going to be another girl it kind of messes with your, well, everything. If only it stopped there. It's a terrible thing when you finally stop crying over boys and start crying over repressed thoughts. I never ever believed that could happen. How can you repress memories without knowing it? It's a bad idea. Shame on me...from several years ago. I would have been better off dealing with it as a child. I'm so afraid of being fucked up like most people are who have repressed the thoughts of their childhoods. It seems so melodramatic, and I even had trouble accepting it first. The thing I said about not crying over boys anymore, that was very significant for me. Moving on and realizing that I am fine alone (and to be honest, so much happier and stress free) was something I never thought I'd do. I matured. But now the distractions are gone, and unfortunately the timing of certain conversations and issues was bad, and it's all coming together now. How do people deal with this? I can't afford therapy, none of my friends are exactly fit for a conversation of that magnitude, and I'm sorry to say it but Blogger, you're not cutting it either. I'm turning into the characters from all of my favorite books.

I just realized something. I don't necessarilly like bad boys. I thought I did but it was just certain traits that I liked that could be labeled differently. Nice guys aren't honest. They bullshit you and say what they need to to avoid problems...and suspicions. And yes, sometimes they do it because they don't want to hurt your feelings or get into an argument with you, but who wants that? I don't want to fight, but I'd prefer fighting over being lied to any day. Passive chicks like "nice guys" because they get to hear what they want to hear and just go about their relationship in a flatlined fashion. I don't want that. If wanting a straight shooter means wanting a bad ass, then I want a bad ass. Remember folks, I've matured. And I'm learning a lot more than just vague inuendos and the reality of repression. I know when I'm being bullshitted. Do you know that I know?

Sometimes I like to think I'm a genius...

Dear Diary

It's 4:30am and I have to wake up early tomorrow if I want to complete everything I need to get done. I had to work late but it was my post-work convo that kept me up till now. That was one of the most difficult and clarifying conversations I have ever had. Finally realizing and admitting that you are wrong can be so amazing (never thought I'd say that). Now the hard part is dealing with the situation with this newfound knowledge and acceptance of fault. I wish I could have recorded that phone call. No one would ever understand unless they heard it. As soon as I got off the phone I wanted to call one person in particular that I knew would understand and would calm me down, but unforunately he has work in a few hours and it's pretty much too late for me to call now :(
For the record, New York was wonderful on friday. Hot dogs, real dogs, fashion and free transit. Can't beat that with a stick. Oh yea, the company was great too ;)

I'm off to do laundry then enjoy some sleep.

Pissing Contests

Disclaimer: This whole post is complaints.

Being misunderstood is so frustrating. Trying to explain to someone how you feel can be difficult enough, and misrepresenting your feelings is even worse.

Today was terrible... x 5. I guess I just really needed to talk it out, which didn't happen. Good thing I have friends that can one-up my problems, at all times. You'd think it would make me feel better...

I am ok, and I give credit where credit is due, but I did this one alone. Maybe I was too ambitious. I should have been more aware of my limiting circumstances. Circumstances that were out of my control. But hey, at least I got to go camping when I was a kid. Did I mention why I was able to go camping as a kid? My brothers and my dad were all involved with the boyscouts. They went camping a lot. And sometimes one of the moms would suggest letting other family members attend the trips, such as her daughter. (Strange how a mom wouldn't just want to spend the weekend with her daughter, but that's neither here nor there.) And did I mention all the fun events those scouts participated in throughout the years? I got to stand on the sidelines for all of it. I got to go watch my brothers race in the soap box derby in the go-cart my dad built with them. And see them decorate their pinewood cars my dad carved for them. I got to go to all of their ceremonies and dinners and see the proud look in my father's eyes. I got to help pick up trash at their community service projects, and help my dad write his speeches, as he was the scoutmaster for a while and heavily involved with the goings-on since the beginning. I even got to miss a few of my Gifted and Talented meetings because my parents were busy getting ready for my brother's Eagle Scout dinner. I was involved in that too. I got to write out all the invitations, and then address and send them all. "We" did all sorts of fun stuff. I guess that's why they were too busy to come to my track meets. Ever. Or come to my varsity award dinners throughout the years. Or go to my national honors society induction. Or even ask to see my report cards. They came to a few MHC events with me though...to hand out business cards.

Look, my life has been blessed and amazing and I know it. But you don't. Just because someone is there it doesn't mean they are with you.


You can't be disappointed if you never attempt anything extraordinary. But don't be fooled into thinking that you've never failed. I'm taking a bow, because I tried. And if I succeed in the end I will extend an insincere and utterly empty thanks to my friends and family.

New List Topper

I wish I had someone that would stick up for me.

Good night

I Know How You Do

When feelings are involved, nothing makes sense. Well it makes a lot of sense, and that's when you know you're screwed. Rationality is forfeited. I believe certain people in my life are a lot better than they actually are. I think they're sincere. I think they're sweet and honest and would never ever betray/hurt/ disappoint me. I suppose I'm not as rock solid as you thought I was. Or maybe you never believed it in the first place. You probably saw right through me and just played into it. So when the time came for me to be strong and look the other way and act unaffected you knew I'd fall victim to my own pride. With all these other girls, what's a girl to do?

This Is How It Felt

This is a scene from High Fidelity:

ROB :Yeah. I'm sorry... Look Dick, Laura and I broke up. She's gone. And if we ever see Barry again maybe you can tell him that.
DICK : 'Course I will, Rob. No problem. No problem at all. I'll tell him next time I see him. I've ah... got some other stuff to tell him anyway, so it's no problem. I'll just tell him about, you know, Laura, when I tell him the other stuff.
ROB:Fine.
DICK: I'll start with your news before I tell him mine, obviously. Mine isn't much, really, just about Marie LaSalle playing at Lounge Ax tonight. I like her, you know, she's kind of Sheryl Crowish... but, you know, good. So I'll tell him before that. Good news and bad news kind of thing. Or rather, bad news and good news, because he likes this person playing tonight. I mean, he liked Laura too, I didn't mean that. And he likes you. It's just that --
ROB: I understand, Dick.


That's how most of my phone conversations feel.