Tonight is Kaela's surprise birthday party. I'm really excited and hopefully all goes well. We decorated like fiends and made a big cake. I even "bought" her an expensive black dress :)
I really think that I got fucked over bad, to put it lightly. One person has done so much damage, and even though I let go and cut most of the ties the damage is still there. I am going to die all alone, but hopefully I won't have too much longer to go. Btw, I find out friday if I need a valve replacement. My test on wednesday didn't go too well, but we know now that it isn't a coronary problem or a hole, so now we are checking the pulmonary valves since that was the defect I was born with anyway. Moving on. I'm seriously screwed and no matter what I do I'm never going to love anyone ever again. As hard as I try I don't trust anyone and I can't let anyone in. Even if I'm certain that someone likes me or even cares about me I still believe that they will hurt me and lie to me. No matter what they tell me or how wonderful they are, I still believe that once they leave they are up to no good. I try so damn hard, but it doesn't help at all. The worst part is that even though I'm alone I still have the risk of getting hurt... from my lonely, paranoid self.
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