Always Assuming The Worst

But you're going on nonetheless...

This is not about you.

Last night was a blast. I got my typical Monday meal of cheese fries and a "healthy" burger, then enjoyed The Hills with Sam. Then after that we watched the intense Dallas v. Buffalo game. It was awesome, and apparently everyone in my quad felt strongly about the teams in one way or another because for the last 10 minutes there was a full out riot. It was great. Then we went outside and played volleyball until they shut the lights off outside. Good times.

This is not about you.

So I have decided to boycott the new Spill Canvas album. It makes me feel so much lonelier than I already am. I am so afraid that I am never going to move past where I am at right now. I lack the passion and desire that I once had, and I hide in my work to avoid the way that makes me feel. I study more than I need to, I read everything I'm assigned which is not necessary at all, and I spend so much time in the gym and in front of the mirror obsessing over my body. Distractions are an addiction.

This is not about you.

Yesterday morning I woke up early and ran outside for a while. I was proud of myself but I'm not too sure why. I guess since I don't like to run outside. After my run I came back, took a shower, ate 2 egg whites, and went to class. Towards the end of class my body felt very weird and I just wanted to get back home. As soon as class was over I rushed back to the apartment and passed out as soon as i hit the bed with my shoes and purse still on. I woke up when Kaela came in a little while later and I felt like I had been hallucinating. I also realized I was barely breathing. I found my inhaler and took a puff, hoping that I would feel fine in a matter of minutes. Well about 2 minutes later I couldn't even stand. My whole body was shaking. Hands, legs, jaw, chest. My lips turned blue and I couldn't focus at all. I laid down and the bed started shaking. I was taking fast, short breaths and was pretty sure I was about to have some sort of stroke or seizure. I didn't do anything. I didn't call anyone, I didn't try drinking water, I didn't pray. I did nothing. It wasn't something that I did (or didn't do) on purpose, but now I'm a little concerned about my actions. I intend to go see a doctor about this eventually. It was terrifying and I can't explain why it happened. All I know is I was alone, and the worst part is I was alone by choice. Foreshadowing, perhaps?

This is not about you.

In a few hours I will find out what I've been waiting to know. I haven't told too many people about it and with good reason (See last post). This may actually be considered the third part of my life, and I like keeping it separated as well. School, home, and this. This. This is probably nothing though. I've made it something, but I know all too well that it isn't.

It looks like it's about to rain, and I have two more classes that I can't miss. Hopefully it holds off a little longer. Bad weather like this makes me glad I hid the real me away. I'm not going to get wet.