This Heart is Already Frozen

A fun combination of adderall and a Social Psych midterm inspired some creativity:

My pride ultimately delivered our fatal blow. It was an overwhelming occurrence of cognitive dissonance. You caused the initial heartache, and my desire for an unyielding feeling of self worth made it impossible for me to accept that. I often wonder that if I had overcome that state of internal tension you may have found an absolute love in me. I painfully take refuge in the fantasy that it was my fault and you simply fell victim to an instinct for self preservation. Your heart wasn't strong enough for the conflict aroused within it. This disease of erroneous thought in my conscious state is incurable without you, and alas, it is the force pushing you away. A modern day tragedy that would bring Shakespeare to his knees.

One of Those Nights

I really lost it today. Between my loan nightmare and never ending health issues I just couldn't handle things anymore. After spending an hour on a bus to go to my doctor's appointment I arrived to find that there was a scheduling error on behalf of a new employee and they regrettably could not see me. Not that the particular reason I had to settle for the facility in the middle of nowhere had anything to do with time sensitivity or anything. I'm pretty sure everyone in the office could hear me from the front desk. I let out a lot of frustration there. Speaking of health issues, Michael made it all the way to boot camp in South Carolina to discover his recruiter never sent in a clearance form he got filled out for a cyst he had removed quite a while ago. The doctors at Paris Island said that without that form they can't let him into Marine boot camp. After having his departure date changed multiple times and finally preparing himself to leave and say his goodbyes he had to come home 24 hours later. My parents are a mess and so is Michael. Now we all get to say goodbye at least one more time as his new departure date is "possibly the 16th but probably the 22nd." Go fuck yourself Uncle Sam. And that was just my morning. Trust me, it got worse. I'm pretty sure my environment isn't helping when it comes to handling my problems. I'm surrounded by people that have never even made a doctor's appointment on their own, let alone finance a college education or pay for books or a phone bill. I would put money down saying that they have never paid for gas or food either. Their parents hold their hands and support them financially and emotionally. I can't help but be bitter. My friends think it's crazy that I'm taking 18 credits this semester but realistically that's the easiest part of the process. I wish they had one goddamn clue.

At this point in my post I am quite inebriated. Just saying.

Being alone isn't as easy as I thought it would be. I've been fine for over a year but today was unbearable. I'd kill a person for a hug right now. My friends get so annoyed with me when I turn away guys that are "a catch" or anything like that awful term. Truth is, I couldn't love a person that doesn't know the meaning of struggle. I thought it was a bit extreme that I wouldn't date someone if they didn't listen to the same music as me, but to me turning people away because they received handouts their whole life makes just as much sense. How could they understand me? I'm done blaming myself for failed attempts at love. People look down on me for not settling and I'm more than ok with that. I'd rather say that I gave it a shot (or twelve) and didn't find the right person than date one person and just stick it out for the hell of it. Will I end up alone? Probably. But I'd rather be alone than be with someone borderline tolerable.


I used to assume so many things, then I became cynical, and now I'm at a point where I wish I just believed things. I could have sworn you loved me, then I thought it was just an egotistical assumption and you actually didn't, and now I pretend you do when I'm falling asleep listening to a playlist I made for you (but never gave you). I'm too afraid to take this step on my own and I just wish you'd grab my hand like you used to. I know I'm not walking into traffic, but it still feels like it. Just grab my hand.

On Letting Go

People often retreat back to old relationships simply for the comfort of it. They either feel lonely or bored, or sometimes it is just out of fear. But what is the reason for not being able to let go of a person that you never even had? There is little comfort or reassurance to be found in that person. In fact, it’s often awkward and nerve-racking to be around that person, especially with all of those "what if's" and "should I's" dancing around you both. You haven’t reached the point where you can say any and everything, and you assume the worst about the aspects of their life you haven’t been filled in on yet. There is no proof that a real relationship with this person would work, and the fact that it hasn’t happened yet says even more. So why not let go? The reason may not be clear, but for some it’s reason enough to keep holding.

I can’t be mad at the rain for falling

Because that’s what it does.


Expectations can be cruel. High hopes and harsh lows. If you know what to expect from a person, then where does disappointment come from? I’ve been struggling with this question for quite some time now. This whole thing is like a migraine. When I have one all I can think about is how I take my usual non-aching existence for granted. But as soon as it’s gone I forget I even had it. It’s illogical to think that life is not worth living because I know that every now and then I’m going to suffer from migraines, so why should I think differently of relationships? I fear them because I fear the lows. Without them there is nothing to lose. Loving a person is hard enough as it is, but then add on dedicating yourself to them and spending most of your time with that person and making them such an important aspect of your life. Can’t we just love and be loved from afar? Perhaps I’m not as over my past relationships as I thought. The wounds have healed but the unsightly scar remains. Maybe I just need a tattoo inked over it. Yes it will still be there, but I won’t have to look at it everyday and be reminded of how a relationship can potentially end up.

I Can Tell There Was An Accident Here

I know why I go to bed alone at night. Do you? Is it your choice anymore? People have been quite reassuring this week. Whenever I question my decisions regarding my social life I am often immediately reminded of why I made those decisions in the first place. Three people in one week. My first contestant was someone I cared tremendously about and I was beyond thrilled to spend time with him. I had this crazy idea in my head about some me/him/us thing, but 2 days later I learned that he is in quite the serious relationship. The reason why I am only fit into his schedule at 3am or on a random day once a month is because of someone I'd be safe in calling his girlfriend. Contestant #2 simply lied about his relationship with a friend of mine. He swore they were never more than friends and was determined to take me out and prove to me how much he wanted to date me. Fortunately I was stubborn and left soon after arriving there with a 'migraine.' The next day I saw for myself just how friendly they were. Contestant #3 had been contacting me for 2 weeks to catch up and have drinks. I was pretty certain that he wasn't single, and so of course I always said no. (I've learned from my mistakes, thank you.) Then finally, after my annoyance with his persistence peaked, I answered my phone in a very rude and blunt manor stating that he was not to call me because I don't get involved with those situations. I also made it clear that if I received a 2am phone call from an angry young lady he'd have a serious problem on his hands. After swearing he had been single for over a month and just wanted to hang out I agreed. We saw each other 3 times, mostly just talking about the past year and whatnot. Then yesterday I got a phone call at 2pm (close, right?) from a very angry girlfriend. Of course she swore they were together and he swore they weren't and I swore it was irrelevant. Headache much?

I can't say that it's a shame there aren't more single men out there, because the more men that are kept off the streets the better. Thank goodness for these dedicated girlfriends. They make my life easier by making these men unavailable. I fall for nonsense pretty often when I (think I) see potential in someone, so sometimes it's good to know they already have a female in the picture. These girls are like nicotine patches. It's great.

Did I mention I saw Shane this weekend? Another story for another time.

If It's Not Keeping You Up Nights

I had a funny feeling about this one. So much of me wanted more. A kiss, a longer embrace, an even longer stare. My heart pounded half of the night. It was beyond perfect. It was the first time in months that I felt anything at all. My reserved attitude was out of character, but so were my desperate attempts at wit and grace. I wish I had just jumped in and told him everything. That I've thought about him every day since I can remember. That I've written countless letters that never touched an envelope. That I was convinced that one kiss would fix it all. He is the one that I let slip away. The one that for the rest of my life will haunt my subconscious. I had the perfect opportunity to tell him everything, and the fact that I didn't said quite enough. I knew I was no longer the object of his affection. His poems no longer hid my name. His eyes no longer burned with desire. I was placed in a box of old warm memories, doomed to collect dust on his impressively stocked shelves forever. Re-enter numbness stage left.


I hope she inspires your hands to write a symphony. I'd give anything to send melodies shivering down your spine again.

You'd laugh

if you knew why I was still awake. Wow I'm a tool =)

I suppose I'm glad I waited out my internet crisis tonight instead of just going to sleep. I found out my friend is home safely from incarceration and I finally organized my messy files on my computer. Now it's time to learn about amaloydosis and go to bed.

Translating the Name

"and im more clever than some rich asshole that just relies on the epicness of a big building to instill happiness in someone!!!"

Really, that's what someone said(typed) to me when I said how much I wanted to go to Philly. That's all I said. Did I miss something or is that random and, well, stupid? I think I'm making a good decision by staying single for quite a while longer...


I've been feeling much better these past few days. Besides going a day without my painkillers right after surgery because the skank at CVS botched my order I've been great. I've been reading my medical book a lot lately and I finished a few projects I had on hold. I haven't exercised in 2 weeks, and I have another 2 to go before I'm technically supposed to again. I guess my junk food diet has to go on hold till then =/. Yeah, right. I'm also not allowed to drink alcohol for 2 weeks, but that's no big deal.

I FINALLY decided on a tattoo. I'm extremely excited and want it done asap, although I'll probably wait till I visit Sam in August to get it done. I want her to go with me since we're both getting matching tats in October.

I've been having terrible nightmares lately and it's starting to get to me. I even had one during my nap this afternoon. And now that I'm dwelling on it I'm afraid they are going to continue simply for that fact. Weird part is, my friend told me about a weird dream he had last night and what went through his head when he woke up regarding the time. I didn't tell him, but I had a very similar dream and the EXACT same experience when I woke up. I'm trying not to read too deep into it though.


All in all, I'm doing well. Hopefully these happy moods last a while. That would be nice.

I Can't Do This

I don't know what to do, but I know what I'm going to do. I'm not ok with it yet, but it needs to happen. Who do I apologize to? Maybe just myself for being so awful. It's so cliche to say that if I make it through this I will be a better person, but I truly believe it. If I get out of this in one piece I am going to do whatever it takes to improve myself and my life. I feel like a child saying this, but I just want to be held. I need to be engulfed in someone's arms and be told that everything will be ok, because I really don't believe it this time.

"I found the cure to growing older

and you're the only place that feels like home."


Nothing has changed. I'm still feeling stale. I wrote some interesting pieces this weekend but they are still kind of rough. Maybe after I fix them up I'll post some. At the end of August I'm retreating to Tennessee for a week or two. I can't wait to spend that time away from here so I can really clear my head and get back to normal. I think this place is what ails me. I need a cabin in the woods and a daily morning walk to a beautiful body of water. I think after college I'd like to move there permanently. Maybe work at the marina for a small salary and only see the city for short vacations or visits. I could do it. Give me a few fancy parties each year to let me dress up and play pretend, then I'd go back to a peaceful life. I change my mind about everything constantly, but I truly hope I still want this in 2 years. I do, however, hope I change my mind about marriage and a family by then. Sometimes when I'm caught off guard I smile and think about how wonderful it would be to have a husband and to raise a child with him. Unfortunately that dream is interrupted the moment I speak to another human being. Men, to be more specific.




They call kids like us vicious and carved out of stone
But for what we've become, we just feel more alone
Always weigh what I've got against what I left
So progress report: I am missing you to death

I really wish

that I could feel something. It's been a while and I haven't felt any sort of way. Someone could be pleasant or fun but it won't make me happy. I guess desire could be considered a feeling, and since I 'desire' to feel something it doesn't quite make sense. I want to feel overwhelmed with happiness. I want to smile so big it hurts and feel safe and wonderful and infinite all at once. I wish a person could fix this but I know it's bigger than that.

Do You Know What It's Like...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anorexia_nervosa

Psychological disorder? How clumsy of me to have one of those.

I want to see a psychiatrist but I have no money and my insurance doesn't cover it. I don't personally know anyone else with this problem and the people that I tell think I'm a worthless human being. What am I supposed to do? I wish I knew someone that could help me through this. Someone that wouldn't think I'm weak for feeling the way I do.

Let's judge depressed people for killing themselves.

Let's make fun of autistic people for having shitty social skills.

Let's let anorexics suffer quietly and make them feel embarrassed for being so silly.


I told my parents, I told close friends, and I cried for help on here. I need a hand to reach out so badly.

Thanks

for that.

Negativity helps tremendously in delicate situations. No really, that wasn't a cry for help. Just venting...about myself. But clearly I can handle it. Not like it's serious or anything.

It's All On Me Cause I Didn't Want To Stay

Closure. Oh man does it feel good. He finally admitted to cheating. I admit, I purposely lied to his friend about some things because I knew he'd go back and tell him, which prompted him telling me. Awesome plan. I can finally move on. I had it in my head that he was my soul mate and I could never love again and blah blah blah. But how could that be if he has no soul? This feels like hope. I am not ready for anything yet, but at least I have faith that I will be. I'm damaged and sad a lot, but at least I can still smile and mean it.

With My Foot on Your Neck

I wrote this a few weeks ago

5-20-08
I love you when I’m not looking
But you’re not him
I could possibly
But these dreams of futures
They’re not for you
They’re just for now
If we met 4 years later
If I had found myself sooner
If you had done the same
Someone undeserving will steal my hard work
And just the same will take yours
You help me pass the time
But you make time stand still
I’m still 17 years old
And you’re still lifting me in the air
You can’t bring me back down
But you won’t

Where's My Head?

I find I only come here when I'm in poor health anymore. I suppose it's therapeutic. It's so awkward to call people and talk about these things so I like to spill my guts via keyboard. It's funny because when my doctor made me change my medication I argued for two months to get it changed back, and finally she listened and warned it would be temporary until we decide a new course of action. What's even funnier is that I said I'd rather have a stroke (what she warned me about) then deal with the side effects I had faced during those two months on the new prescription. Real funny. Losing my vision wasn't so new, and even the numbing feeling up my arm had happened before, but losing my ability to put coherent sentences together was disarming on so many levels. Good thing Eddie watches House to memorize procedure. After my fourth failed test he gave me blood thinners (aspirin, to be less dramatic) and sent me to the hospital with mommy dearest. 5 hours later, at 3am, I came home and ate some pizza, which is all I had wanted to do since before it all started. I don't know how much memory was affected but I'm certain it was absolutely minimal. I forgot a few simple things that I've noticed so far, but nothing I couldn't get by without. A catch phrase I abused, directions to Blockbuster, who needs it. Maybe the neurologist will shed more light than the doctor at that poor excuse for a hospital did. Kudos to Eddie though. Apparently the aspirin saved my brain considerably.

On a lighter note, people make me laugh a tiny bit when they jump to conclusions. A dear old 'friend' of mine let me know via text (while on my way to the hospital) that he'd no longer talk to me because I have a new (new?) boyfriend (according to my new Myspace photos). A.) No I don't. B.) I've been single since forever and a month C.) Please start keeping your promises. I could use those minutes on my phone for other pointless calls, like to Regal to help decide what I'll download next.

I need someone to say they love me. But not just because he's young and doesn't know any better and thinks it's just the thing to say to a pretty girl. I need a mature love more than blood to my brain.

This is it. This is it.

So here's to long nights like these
spent wide awake and fully aware
of my future of tea for one
and a sadness that none should bare.
Here's to mix CDs never heard
and butterflies never felt.
To dresses never worn
And a heart that will never melt.
Here's to everything you are
and to everything I'm not.
Because in the morning you will not care
And I will be forgot.