Not The Sun

This is painful at best.
Going on for no apparent reason
other than deciding today is not the day.
Constantly seeking purpose and meaning
just to avoid sinking too deep.
Hurry up with the diagnosis
so I have something to smile about.
A nice change of pace until it's over.
The silence at night is deafening
with the overwhelming sound of
a half-beating heart.
The result of a heart without love.



"Oh she'd lie on her bed
And stare into harsh white light.
And think that her heart's not right."
-copeland

"I Can't Be Honest With Even Myself

Did you ever wish you were somebody else?"


I'm watching a show on my computer. I'm jealous of the relationships I'm watching. I'm jealous of the tension, the excitement, the choices. Amused by the cunning of the handsome antogonist, I begin to smile. Then - the show ends. The screen turns black and all I see is a reflection of myself. Suddenly the smile fades and I am left with nothing but the reality and emptiness of my life.

How could I ever make you smile...

Don't Stop Talking To Me

I haven't been listening.

I've got to stop reading what other people write. It's a form of daily abuse that I can't handle anymore.

"I Fixed Myself Up Nice...

...but you never came"


No surprise here. I can't handle this disappointment anymore. I held on as long as I could, but it has been months since I let go. You don't exist. The gun was in your hand for so long, but once I realized it was in mine you stopped existing. I've known this for a while so it's a terrible thing that I'm feeling disappointed. When people tell me things I just automatically want to believe them.

I carved a pumpkin today. It's adorable. Then I cleaned the seeds and cooked them and we all enjoyed some salted pumpkin seeds. I love hanging out at Sam's apartment :)

I'm going running with Katelynn in the a.m. so I'm going to bed. Sweet dreams

Always Assuming The Worst

But you're going on nonetheless...

This is not about you.

Last night was a blast. I got my typical Monday meal of cheese fries and a "healthy" burger, then enjoyed The Hills with Sam. Then after that we watched the intense Dallas v. Buffalo game. It was awesome, and apparently everyone in my quad felt strongly about the teams in one way or another because for the last 10 minutes there was a full out riot. It was great. Then we went outside and played volleyball until they shut the lights off outside. Good times.

This is not about you.

So I have decided to boycott the new Spill Canvas album. It makes me feel so much lonelier than I already am. I am so afraid that I am never going to move past where I am at right now. I lack the passion and desire that I once had, and I hide in my work to avoid the way that makes me feel. I study more than I need to, I read everything I'm assigned which is not necessary at all, and I spend so much time in the gym and in front of the mirror obsessing over my body. Distractions are an addiction.

This is not about you.

Yesterday morning I woke up early and ran outside for a while. I was proud of myself but I'm not too sure why. I guess since I don't like to run outside. After my run I came back, took a shower, ate 2 egg whites, and went to class. Towards the end of class my body felt very weird and I just wanted to get back home. As soon as class was over I rushed back to the apartment and passed out as soon as i hit the bed with my shoes and purse still on. I woke up when Kaela came in a little while later and I felt like I had been hallucinating. I also realized I was barely breathing. I found my inhaler and took a puff, hoping that I would feel fine in a matter of minutes. Well about 2 minutes later I couldn't even stand. My whole body was shaking. Hands, legs, jaw, chest. My lips turned blue and I couldn't focus at all. I laid down and the bed started shaking. I was taking fast, short breaths and was pretty sure I was about to have some sort of stroke or seizure. I didn't do anything. I didn't call anyone, I didn't try drinking water, I didn't pray. I did nothing. It wasn't something that I did (or didn't do) on purpose, but now I'm a little concerned about my actions. I intend to go see a doctor about this eventually. It was terrifying and I can't explain why it happened. All I know is I was alone, and the worst part is I was alone by choice. Foreshadowing, perhaps?

This is not about you.

In a few hours I will find out what I've been waiting to know. I haven't told too many people about it and with good reason (See last post). This may actually be considered the third part of my life, and I like keeping it separated as well. School, home, and this. This. This is probably nothing though. I've made it something, but I know all too well that it isn't.

It looks like it's about to rain, and I have two more classes that I can't miss. Hopefully it holds off a little longer. Bad weather like this makes me glad I hid the real me away. I'm not going to get wet.

Checks and Balances

There is a very good reason why I don't like to mix my school life with my home life. A lot of my friends are from central and north jersey, and half of their high schools go here. Unfortunately for them it usually results in uncontrollable gossip, lying, and other sorts of trouble. That is why I don't like to integrate the two. I don't usually talk about my Rutgers friends to my friends at home, and vice versa. I also usually don't invite anyone from home to come visit. I'm not a big fan of personal guests. I don't like having to entertain someone, especially not while I have tons of work to get done. I also like having that separation because it makes me feel like I have something beyond school. I have a family, a home, and old friends. I just wish my "old" friends didn't interfere so negatively with my life here. I'm going to have to stop slacking on my rules about my separate lives. I was lenient for a while with some particular people, but as I suspected it bit me in the ass. No more guests, no more convos, no more integration. I should've stuck to my guns on this one.
I'm so nervous about this weekend, and not for the above-mentioned reasons either. I am going to be lost. Words, emotions, actions. God help me. Please be understanding if no one hears from me for a week or two after this friday. I'm probably ok, it's just that I'm not ok.
And yet another useless post. You're welcome.