Setting In Our Honeymoon

I'm not in a creative mood right now, but I feel like typing. Today was amazing. Sasha and I woke up early, ate a healthy breakfast at the dining hall, worked out for an hour and 40 minutes, showered, then were drawn to the BBQ outside by the sounds of Brand New gracing the speakers. It was the freshman bbq for Perry and Vorhees, and we figured we could score some free hot dogs then peace out. As soon as we walked over we were greated with requests for us to join in on the volleyball game. We did....after we ate yummy food and sat in the soft grass, enjoying the beautiful weather and fun music. Then we played "soccer" with the 5ft tall "soccer ball." Ask me who scored the winning point. Ask! It took 4 people to move that sucker but once it broke free i ran it back over half the field and scored!! I felt like a champ :) Then we danced and played more volleyball and laughed and laughed and laughed. The weather was wonderful. I might have gotten a bit of a tan. Wanna check for me? We met lots of nice people but talked mostly with the RA's and RD's cause come on, the rest of the kids were frosh. Helloooo. Seriously though, everyone was great. Too bad I didn't ask for last names, because now i can't facebook them and be real friends ;) Oh well, they know where to find me.

Did I mention that friends suck ass sometimes and completely dissapoint you and randomly treat you like shit? Moving on...

Growing up is so strange. You realize way too much. You might watch a movie that you haven't seen since you were a kid and it seems completely different. You pick up on more things because you've been exposed to more things. Inuendos, euphemisms, the words inuendo and euphemism. Lately I've been realizing a lot about a lot. Just a few minutes ago I realized why I've never wanted to have a girl. It was always odd because I never had a good reason for not wanting to have a baby girl, but I felt so strongly about it. I guess when your parents make it clear that they never wanted a girl, and when your mom tells you she cried out of pure happiness to find out her third child was not going to be another girl it kind of messes with your, well, everything. If only it stopped there. It's a terrible thing when you finally stop crying over boys and start crying over repressed thoughts. I never ever believed that could happen. How can you repress memories without knowing it? It's a bad idea. Shame on me...from several years ago. I would have been better off dealing with it as a child. I'm so afraid of being fucked up like most people are who have repressed the thoughts of their childhoods. It seems so melodramatic, and I even had trouble accepting it first. The thing I said about not crying over boys anymore, that was very significant for me. Moving on and realizing that I am fine alone (and to be honest, so much happier and stress free) was something I never thought I'd do. I matured. But now the distractions are gone, and unfortunately the timing of certain conversations and issues was bad, and it's all coming together now. How do people deal with this? I can't afford therapy, none of my friends are exactly fit for a conversation of that magnitude, and I'm sorry to say it but Blogger, you're not cutting it either. I'm turning into the characters from all of my favorite books.

I just realized something. I don't necessarilly like bad boys. I thought I did but it was just certain traits that I liked that could be labeled differently. Nice guys aren't honest. They bullshit you and say what they need to to avoid problems...and suspicions. And yes, sometimes they do it because they don't want to hurt your feelings or get into an argument with you, but who wants that? I don't want to fight, but I'd prefer fighting over being lied to any day. Passive chicks like "nice guys" because they get to hear what they want to hear and just go about their relationship in a flatlined fashion. I don't want that. If wanting a straight shooter means wanting a bad ass, then I want a bad ass. Remember folks, I've matured. And I'm learning a lot more than just vague inuendos and the reality of repression. I know when I'm being bullshitted. Do you know that I know?

Sometimes I like to think I'm a genius...

Dear Diary

It's 4:30am and I have to wake up early tomorrow if I want to complete everything I need to get done. I had to work late but it was my post-work convo that kept me up till now. That was one of the most difficult and clarifying conversations I have ever had. Finally realizing and admitting that you are wrong can be so amazing (never thought I'd say that). Now the hard part is dealing with the situation with this newfound knowledge and acceptance of fault. I wish I could have recorded that phone call. No one would ever understand unless they heard it. As soon as I got off the phone I wanted to call one person in particular that I knew would understand and would calm me down, but unforunately he has work in a few hours and it's pretty much too late for me to call now :(
For the record, New York was wonderful on friday. Hot dogs, real dogs, fashion and free transit. Can't beat that with a stick. Oh yea, the company was great too ;)

I'm off to do laundry then enjoy some sleep.

Pissing Contests

Disclaimer: This whole post is complaints.

Being misunderstood is so frustrating. Trying to explain to someone how you feel can be difficult enough, and misrepresenting your feelings is even worse.

Today was terrible... x 5. I guess I just really needed to talk it out, which didn't happen. Good thing I have friends that can one-up my problems, at all times. You'd think it would make me feel better...

I am ok, and I give credit where credit is due, but I did this one alone. Maybe I was too ambitious. I should have been more aware of my limiting circumstances. Circumstances that were out of my control. But hey, at least I got to go camping when I was a kid. Did I mention why I was able to go camping as a kid? My brothers and my dad were all involved with the boyscouts. They went camping a lot. And sometimes one of the moms would suggest letting other family members attend the trips, such as her daughter. (Strange how a mom wouldn't just want to spend the weekend with her daughter, but that's neither here nor there.) And did I mention all the fun events those scouts participated in throughout the years? I got to stand on the sidelines for all of it. I got to go watch my brothers race in the soap box derby in the go-cart my dad built with them. And see them decorate their pinewood cars my dad carved for them. I got to go to all of their ceremonies and dinners and see the proud look in my father's eyes. I got to help pick up trash at their community service projects, and help my dad write his speeches, as he was the scoutmaster for a while and heavily involved with the goings-on since the beginning. I even got to miss a few of my Gifted and Talented meetings because my parents were busy getting ready for my brother's Eagle Scout dinner. I was involved in that too. I got to write out all the invitations, and then address and send them all. "We" did all sorts of fun stuff. I guess that's why they were too busy to come to my track meets. Ever. Or come to my varsity award dinners throughout the years. Or go to my national honors society induction. Or even ask to see my report cards. They came to a few MHC events with me though...to hand out business cards.

Look, my life has been blessed and amazing and I know it. But you don't. Just because someone is there it doesn't mean they are with you.


You can't be disappointed if you never attempt anything extraordinary. But don't be fooled into thinking that you've never failed. I'm taking a bow, because I tried. And if I succeed in the end I will extend an insincere and utterly empty thanks to my friends and family.

New List Topper

I wish I had someone that would stick up for me.

Good night

I Know How You Do

When feelings are involved, nothing makes sense. Well it makes a lot of sense, and that's when you know you're screwed. Rationality is forfeited. I believe certain people in my life are a lot better than they actually are. I think they're sincere. I think they're sweet and honest and would never ever betray/hurt/ disappoint me. I suppose I'm not as rock solid as you thought I was. Or maybe you never believed it in the first place. You probably saw right through me and just played into it. So when the time came for me to be strong and look the other way and act unaffected you knew I'd fall victim to my own pride. With all these other girls, what's a girl to do?

This Is How It Felt

This is a scene from High Fidelity:

ROB :Yeah. I'm sorry... Look Dick, Laura and I broke up. She's gone. And if we ever see Barry again maybe you can tell him that.
DICK : 'Course I will, Rob. No problem. No problem at all. I'll tell him next time I see him. I've ah... got some other stuff to tell him anyway, so it's no problem. I'll just tell him about, you know, Laura, when I tell him the other stuff.
ROB:Fine.
DICK: I'll start with your news before I tell him mine, obviously. Mine isn't much, really, just about Marie LaSalle playing at Lounge Ax tonight. I like her, you know, she's kind of Sheryl Crowish... but, you know, good. So I'll tell him before that. Good news and bad news kind of thing. Or rather, bad news and good news, because he likes this person playing tonight. I mean, he liked Laura too, I didn't mean that. And he likes you. It's just that --
ROB: I understand, Dick.


That's how most of my phone conversations feel.