Take the picture from the wall

when you think that nothing matters


Learn from your mistakes. That's what they tell us. I actually did, and it has left me bitter and alone(ish). One person is all it takes to change the way you love. At the age of 19 I swore I'd never get in too deep again. I'm 22 now and although I've dated I have never been in so deep that I couldn't leave in one breath. I have felt love for others, but not enough to move me. I've been told I'm cold, unloving, even scaring because I'm so detached and rational about relationships. I put some serious thought into how I act towards the people I date and I simply couldn't imagine acting any other way. I'm direct. I make it clear from the door what I want, more importantly what I don't want, and that I don't NEED this. I need a job, therefore I will work hard and take my job seriously. I want an education and I work hard at that as well. I don't need a relationship. If it's fun I'll run with it. If it slows me down I'll leave. Immediately. But what is wrong with that? I am the only person that has had a hand in my success. Why would I EVER let someone interfere with that? I don't get it. It infuriates me to see girls cry over boys or ask "why does he do this to me?". Gahhhh!!!
I have been seeing someone for a short time and so far so good. I made it clear immediately that I don't have time for nonsense and will not tolerate anything but respect. He certainly listened. And I love him. He's wonderful. I never felt butterflies or got swept away in the romance though, and I admit that upset me a bit. But once I really thought about it I realized that any time I had felt that way I ended up being disappointed. Actions based on emotions are always a bad idea. What I have now is a rational relationship that is simple and splendid. No, I don't get butterflies in my stomach or draw hearts around his name on notebook paper, but I also don't cry wondering if he wants a future with me or not. The only reason I have trouble sleeping at night is when he snores, which is only when he drinks, and I make him go home. Sure, I'm cold, but I'm never not ok. I am never in a position where I stand to get hurt by another human being. I wish like hell I could feel passionate, breathtaking love again. I have come to terms though and am handling it the best that I can.
I am not inspired to write much anymore because I do not feel strongly enough about anything. I love the man I am seeing but I do not feel inspired to write about that love. It is not that kind of love. RIP, that kind of love.

I Don't Think You'll Ever Want To Love Me

Sometimes I purposefully get drunk so I can write. Lately I've been writing songs that I save on my computer in a file called "jot." I wanted to post something tonight that wasn't safely hiding on my desktop. I know I'm the only person in the world that reads this but it still feels different. It's out there. By chance some stranger could stumble upon this and read my words. It makes me feel connected.

I want to say things to a lot of people. I saw an old friend of mine last night that I hadn't seen in 2 years. He came into my bar with a group of friends. I think he knew I worked there but I don't know for sure. When I told my roommate about how I felt when I saw him I said that my heart dropped. I don't think it did though. I have thought about seeing him so many times and what it would be like to randomly run into him and all of the feelings I would feel. I hoped I'd be happier than him. I hoped I'd be on my game and look amazing and act collected. That's exactly what happened. He's a mess and I'm thankful things didn't work out with him. I'm just a little disappointed I didn't feel more. I wanted to be scared and nervous and anxious and excited but I wasn't. I saw him, we talked, and that was that. He made a few bold romantic comments and I uncharacteristically dismissed them. I didn't get caught up in the moment or shudder with emotions. I felt nothing and went about my business. This makes me wonder.
I think about saying things to people and pouring my heart out to certain individuals that I never had the courage to open up to before. I think about certain people every day and recite in my head what I would say and do if I ever had the chance. I worry now though. If I had the chance would I take it? Would it matter at all to me? Once the fantasy comes within arms reach will I still feel the same about it?
I don't consider these worries to be a flaw. That's the point of fantasies. They are not supposed to be attainable, and if they are they are no longer desirable like they once were. I have a fear that I am exactly that.
I think I might start posting my songs on here. I was playing guitar in my living room today and I put a few lines to chords. I'm on par with Kimya Dawson, and that's wonderful to me.
I didn't accomplish what I wanted to tonight. I'll talk about what I really wanted to talk about some other time.

Cause I can hardly see

what's in front of me these days

As I stop my futile, full sprint pursuit from my bar towards the departing bus tonight/this morning I immediately begin to think of ways I can calm myself down from the cliff I am staring off of in my mind. My shirt is still damp from the drinks that had been spilled on me along with other people's sweat and spit from drunkenly attempting to ask what is in a tequila shot. I approach the now empty bus stop and discover I finally have some time to myself. 30 minutes to be exact. I start to take out my ipod but realize what a bad idea that would be. It's 2:45am and I'm standing alone at a bus stop in front of the grease trucks. I think it's probably best to have all of my senses working at full capacity. (I have to interrupt and say that a mouse literally just ran across my living room into the pantry.) After 30 minutes of staring at my phone and thinking of ways to fit sleep into my schedule this year my bus arrives. It's filled with drunk, happy people being drunk and happy. I am safe to use my ipod now but I don't want to. It occurs to me that I actually do not want to hear music. I am now breathing heavily and cracking my knuckles realizing that I am about to burst. It's moments like this when I compulsively think about every awful thing that exists in my life. I know, I know. For now I'd just like for my sleeping pills to kick in and hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to get back on track and stop feeling sorry for myself. I have 6 classes to pass and bills to pay, so rants like this need to stop. I know I'm not alone in this but I wouldn't mind actually meeting someone else with the same burdens. Maybe I could get advice on how to handle it better. For now I'll pretend to care when my friends complain that their parents won't buy them a newer phone or that they couldn't fall asleep till almost midnight when they have an 11am class the next morning. Gosh, some people have it rough. I don't feel better from venting so much but I am sleepy now. With any luck I'll make it to all 3 classes tomorrow and possibly make some money tomorrow night. Sweet dreams

It's a Strange Way of Saying

I haven't written on here in quite some time. This has typically served as a means to vent without actually complaining to anyone and tonight is no different, I think. My life has been wonderful for a few months now and I suppose I should be grateful. Besides the fact that I can barely pay my rent or other bills and can't afford to buy the books I need this semester I've been pretty happy. All of the issues in my life right now from money to health have been relatively manageable. Stress has been so prevalent in my daily life for so long that at this point I don't even mind it or get upset over it. I've been so happy lately and I'm sad to see that feeling go. Over the past few months I've changed my life considerably and I truly believe that what goes around comes around. I haven't used drugs in a very long time and even though it was never a problem and never affected my life, grades or finances I still chose to stop completely. I haven't stolen a dime for an even longer time. Not even clothes. I ended the toxic relationships I had and pulled an Eternal Sunshine on the biggest toxin of all. I work hard, study hard, treat people with respect, avoid negativity and value my life. That's why I think I've been so happy. I deserve it. I truly believe that I am a good person and my actions are paying off. So I wondered why I recently started letting things bother me again. I started get stressed out and angry and I became very unhappy. It finally occurred to me that all of this negativity was coming from my family. I grew increasingly irritated as the days drew nearer that I would have to come visit my family. The phone calls with my mother made me so angry and upset, and holding in my feelings made me feel worse. The day I got back to Millville I was miserable. The things my mother said were so negative and hurtful and they ate away at me. Then we hit the road for Parris Island, SC for my brother's Marine graduation and things got even worse. My mother started to put me down even more, especially when we got to SC and around our extended family. She bragged about Michael (and believe me, he deserves it and has worked very hard), but the moment someone asked me about school or work she'd point out that I got a C (C+ actually, with a class average of C-) or that I make no money (since it's the holidays) or that I let my boyfriend stay the night at my apartment (an apartment that I pay for completely and I have the right as an adult to do so). I've worked so hard and she still hates my existence. She is the only toxic relationship I have left and it is clear to me what I have to do. I had no intention of coming to my parents house during break and I didn't even come here for Christmas, but in order to see Michael I had to do it. I don't know why I let her get to me but she does. She is my mother and I suppose I will always have a need to be loved by her. I just wish I could overcome that need.

On the road to SC I received a phone call that my 17 year old cousin Darac had been killed in a car accident. The memorial arrangements had been made for the upcoming Friday which was the day of my brother's graduation. Clearly there was no way I could get from SC to CA in 2 days with the money I had, and I felt torn because of Michael. I stayed and saw Michael and I suppose I'm glad I did, but I still feel sad inside because of a lack of closure with Darac. I want to talk to someone about it but I can't. I would feel worse in the end if I shared my feelings with someone and knew they didn't actually care. That is also the reason why I won't go to church with my family tomorrow. I am atheist, and although my brother will be addressed by the congregation and may be able to say a few words I wouldn't feel right with myself because I would be participating in something I very strongly disagree with. My mother isn't talking to me at the moment so I haven't been yelled at by her about it yet, but my dad expressed his disappointment tonight when I told him I wasn't going. This is all weighing so heavily on me and I am here alone. My old friends that still come here to visit Eddie have been treating me like garbage and find the need to point out that I've gotten fat (my weight hasn't changed a pound) or that I am stupid or a bitch because I won't hang out with them. In a typical situation I would have the right to keep them out of my life and avoid contact completely, but this is my parents home and they have more of a right to be here than I do. There are no consequences here for talking to me in a derogatory, perverted, or hurtful way. If my door is open they come in my room and sit down. If I lock my door they pound on it. It's downright bullshit. I need to get out of here as fast as possible. I have a friend coming to take me back to my home in New Brunswick on Thursday and it feels like a lifetime away. No wonder I dreamt about suicide when I lived here. I spent so many nights thinking of how I would do it and if it would be melodramatic to leave a note and would my family observe my will since it wasn't notarized. The longer I stay away from here the happier I get and I feel like I just reset everything now. Hopefully after I leave on Thursday I'll never have to come back again.

The awful memories from this town are enough to drive me mad and they danced around my head all day while I hid in my old room. I couldn't help but wonder how I made it out alive. That's when I drove past your house. Your car wasn't there from what I could see. I drove around town and it started raining. I was listening to the new FOB album and it almost upset me that it reminded me of you. Songs that I'm barely familiar with sparked such strong memories of you. Perhaps it's the voice or the lyrics but I still don't get it. I wanted to call but our last encounter made me sure that I shouldn't even bother. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you and being so close to you now makes it even harder. I still have that picture of us on my desk and I look through old photographs like it's my job.

I suppose there is more room for self improvement than I thought. I hold on to people that bring me down and I miss the ones I never actually had.

This Heart is Already Frozen

A fun combination of adderall and a Social Psych midterm inspired some creativity:

My pride ultimately delivered our fatal blow. It was an overwhelming occurrence of cognitive dissonance. You caused the initial heartache, and my desire for an unyielding feeling of self worth made it impossible for me to accept that. I often wonder that if I had overcome that state of internal tension you may have found an absolute love in me. I painfully take refuge in the fantasy that it was my fault and you simply fell victim to an instinct for self preservation. Your heart wasn't strong enough for the conflict aroused within it. This disease of erroneous thought in my conscious state is incurable without you, and alas, it is the force pushing you away. A modern day tragedy that would bring Shakespeare to his knees.

One of Those Nights

I really lost it today. Between my loan nightmare and never ending health issues I just couldn't handle things anymore. After spending an hour on a bus to go to my doctor's appointment I arrived to find that there was a scheduling error on behalf of a new employee and they regrettably could not see me. Not that the particular reason I had to settle for the facility in the middle of nowhere had anything to do with time sensitivity or anything. I'm pretty sure everyone in the office could hear me from the front desk. I let out a lot of frustration there. Speaking of health issues, Michael made it all the way to boot camp in South Carolina to discover his recruiter never sent in a clearance form he got filled out for a cyst he had removed quite a while ago. The doctors at Paris Island said that without that form they can't let him into Marine boot camp. After having his departure date changed multiple times and finally preparing himself to leave and say his goodbyes he had to come home 24 hours later. My parents are a mess and so is Michael. Now we all get to say goodbye at least one more time as his new departure date is "possibly the 16th but probably the 22nd." Go fuck yourself Uncle Sam. And that was just my morning. Trust me, it got worse. I'm pretty sure my environment isn't helping when it comes to handling my problems. I'm surrounded by people that have never even made a doctor's appointment on their own, let alone finance a college education or pay for books or a phone bill. I would put money down saying that they have never paid for gas or food either. Their parents hold their hands and support them financially and emotionally. I can't help but be bitter. My friends think it's crazy that I'm taking 18 credits this semester but realistically that's the easiest part of the process. I wish they had one goddamn clue.

At this point in my post I am quite inebriated. Just saying.

Being alone isn't as easy as I thought it would be. I've been fine for over a year but today was unbearable. I'd kill a person for a hug right now. My friends get so annoyed with me when I turn away guys that are "a catch" or anything like that awful term. Truth is, I couldn't love a person that doesn't know the meaning of struggle. I thought it was a bit extreme that I wouldn't date someone if they didn't listen to the same music as me, but to me turning people away because they received handouts their whole life makes just as much sense. How could they understand me? I'm done blaming myself for failed attempts at love. People look down on me for not settling and I'm more than ok with that. I'd rather say that I gave it a shot (or twelve) and didn't find the right person than date one person and just stick it out for the hell of it. Will I end up alone? Probably. But I'd rather be alone than be with someone borderline tolerable.


I used to assume so many things, then I became cynical, and now I'm at a point where I wish I just believed things. I could have sworn you loved me, then I thought it was just an egotistical assumption and you actually didn't, and now I pretend you do when I'm falling asleep listening to a playlist I made for you (but never gave you). I'm too afraid to take this step on my own and I just wish you'd grab my hand like you used to. I know I'm not walking into traffic, but it still feels like it. Just grab my hand.

On Letting Go

People often retreat back to old relationships simply for the comfort of it. They either feel lonely or bored, or sometimes it is just out of fear. But what is the reason for not being able to let go of a person that you never even had? There is little comfort or reassurance to be found in that person. In fact, it’s often awkward and nerve-racking to be around that person, especially with all of those "what if's" and "should I's" dancing around you both. You haven’t reached the point where you can say any and everything, and you assume the worst about the aspects of their life you haven’t been filled in on yet. There is no proof that a real relationship with this person would work, and the fact that it hasn’t happened yet says even more. So why not let go? The reason may not be clear, but for some it’s reason enough to keep holding.