Take the picture from the wall

when you think that nothing matters


Learn from your mistakes. That's what they tell us. I actually did, and it has left me bitter and alone(ish). One person is all it takes to change the way you love. At the age of 19 I swore I'd never get in too deep again. I'm 22 now and although I've dated I have never been in so deep that I couldn't leave in one breath. I have felt love for others, but not enough to move me. I've been told I'm cold, unloving, even scaring because I'm so detached and rational about relationships. I put some serious thought into how I act towards the people I date and I simply couldn't imagine acting any other way. I'm direct. I make it clear from the door what I want, more importantly what I don't want, and that I don't NEED this. I need a job, therefore I will work hard and take my job seriously. I want an education and I work hard at that as well. I don't need a relationship. If it's fun I'll run with it. If it slows me down I'll leave. Immediately. But what is wrong with that? I am the only person that has had a hand in my success. Why would I EVER let someone interfere with that? I don't get it. It infuriates me to see girls cry over boys or ask "why does he do this to me?". Gahhhh!!!
I have been seeing someone for a short time and so far so good. I made it clear immediately that I don't have time for nonsense and will not tolerate anything but respect. He certainly listened. And I love him. He's wonderful. I never felt butterflies or got swept away in the romance though, and I admit that upset me a bit. But once I really thought about it I realized that any time I had felt that way I ended up being disappointed. Actions based on emotions are always a bad idea. What I have now is a rational relationship that is simple and splendid. No, I don't get butterflies in my stomach or draw hearts around his name on notebook paper, but I also don't cry wondering if he wants a future with me or not. The only reason I have trouble sleeping at night is when he snores, which is only when he drinks, and I make him go home. Sure, I'm cold, but I'm never not ok. I am never in a position where I stand to get hurt by another human being. I wish like hell I could feel passionate, breathtaking love again. I have come to terms though and am handling it the best that I can.
I am not inspired to write much anymore because I do not feel strongly enough about anything. I love the man I am seeing but I do not feel inspired to write about that love. It is not that kind of love. RIP, that kind of love.