It's a Strange Way of Saying

I haven't written on here in quite some time. This has typically served as a means to vent without actually complaining to anyone and tonight is no different, I think. My life has been wonderful for a few months now and I suppose I should be grateful. Besides the fact that I can barely pay my rent or other bills and can't afford to buy the books I need this semester I've been pretty happy. All of the issues in my life right now from money to health have been relatively manageable. Stress has been so prevalent in my daily life for so long that at this point I don't even mind it or get upset over it. I've been so happy lately and I'm sad to see that feeling go. Over the past few months I've changed my life considerably and I truly believe that what goes around comes around. I haven't used drugs in a very long time and even though it was never a problem and never affected my life, grades or finances I still chose to stop completely. I haven't stolen a dime for an even longer time. Not even clothes. I ended the toxic relationships I had and pulled an Eternal Sunshine on the biggest toxin of all. I work hard, study hard, treat people with respect, avoid negativity and value my life. That's why I think I've been so happy. I deserve it. I truly believe that I am a good person and my actions are paying off. So I wondered why I recently started letting things bother me again. I started get stressed out and angry and I became very unhappy. It finally occurred to me that all of this negativity was coming from my family. I grew increasingly irritated as the days drew nearer that I would have to come visit my family. The phone calls with my mother made me so angry and upset, and holding in my feelings made me feel worse. The day I got back to Millville I was miserable. The things my mother said were so negative and hurtful and they ate away at me. Then we hit the road for Parris Island, SC for my brother's Marine graduation and things got even worse. My mother started to put me down even more, especially when we got to SC and around our extended family. She bragged about Michael (and believe me, he deserves it and has worked very hard), but the moment someone asked me about school or work she'd point out that I got a C (C+ actually, with a class average of C-) or that I make no money (since it's the holidays) or that I let my boyfriend stay the night at my apartment (an apartment that I pay for completely and I have the right as an adult to do so). I've worked so hard and she still hates my existence. She is the only toxic relationship I have left and it is clear to me what I have to do. I had no intention of coming to my parents house during break and I didn't even come here for Christmas, but in order to see Michael I had to do it. I don't know why I let her get to me but she does. She is my mother and I suppose I will always have a need to be loved by her. I just wish I could overcome that need.

On the road to SC I received a phone call that my 17 year old cousin Darac had been killed in a car accident. The memorial arrangements had been made for the upcoming Friday which was the day of my brother's graduation. Clearly there was no way I could get from SC to CA in 2 days with the money I had, and I felt torn because of Michael. I stayed and saw Michael and I suppose I'm glad I did, but I still feel sad inside because of a lack of closure with Darac. I want to talk to someone about it but I can't. I would feel worse in the end if I shared my feelings with someone and knew they didn't actually care. That is also the reason why I won't go to church with my family tomorrow. I am atheist, and although my brother will be addressed by the congregation and may be able to say a few words I wouldn't feel right with myself because I would be participating in something I very strongly disagree with. My mother isn't talking to me at the moment so I haven't been yelled at by her about it yet, but my dad expressed his disappointment tonight when I told him I wasn't going. This is all weighing so heavily on me and I am here alone. My old friends that still come here to visit Eddie have been treating me like garbage and find the need to point out that I've gotten fat (my weight hasn't changed a pound) or that I am stupid or a bitch because I won't hang out with them. In a typical situation I would have the right to keep them out of my life and avoid contact completely, but this is my parents home and they have more of a right to be here than I do. There are no consequences here for talking to me in a derogatory, perverted, or hurtful way. If my door is open they come in my room and sit down. If I lock my door they pound on it. It's downright bullshit. I need to get out of here as fast as possible. I have a friend coming to take me back to my home in New Brunswick on Thursday and it feels like a lifetime away. No wonder I dreamt about suicide when I lived here. I spent so many nights thinking of how I would do it and if it would be melodramatic to leave a note and would my family observe my will since it wasn't notarized. The longer I stay away from here the happier I get and I feel like I just reset everything now. Hopefully after I leave on Thursday I'll never have to come back again.

The awful memories from this town are enough to drive me mad and they danced around my head all day while I hid in my old room. I couldn't help but wonder how I made it out alive. That's when I drove past your house. Your car wasn't there from what I could see. I drove around town and it started raining. I was listening to the new FOB album and it almost upset me that it reminded me of you. Songs that I'm barely familiar with sparked such strong memories of you. Perhaps it's the voice or the lyrics but I still don't get it. I wanted to call but our last encounter made me sure that I shouldn't even bother. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you and being so close to you now makes it even harder. I still have that picture of us on my desk and I look through old photographs like it's my job.

I suppose there is more room for self improvement than I thought. I hold on to people that bring me down and I miss the ones I never actually had.