You'd laugh

if you knew why I was still awake. Wow I'm a tool =)

I suppose I'm glad I waited out my internet crisis tonight instead of just going to sleep. I found out my friend is home safely from incarceration and I finally organized my messy files on my computer. Now it's time to learn about amaloydosis and go to bed.

Translating the Name

"and im more clever than some rich asshole that just relies on the epicness of a big building to instill happiness in someone!!!"

Really, that's what someone said(typed) to me when I said how much I wanted to go to Philly. That's all I said. Did I miss something or is that random and, well, stupid? I think I'm making a good decision by staying single for quite a while longer...


I've been feeling much better these past few days. Besides going a day without my painkillers right after surgery because the skank at CVS botched my order I've been great. I've been reading my medical book a lot lately and I finished a few projects I had on hold. I haven't exercised in 2 weeks, and I have another 2 to go before I'm technically supposed to again. I guess my junk food diet has to go on hold till then =/. Yeah, right. I'm also not allowed to drink alcohol for 2 weeks, but that's no big deal.

I FINALLY decided on a tattoo. I'm extremely excited and want it done asap, although I'll probably wait till I visit Sam in August to get it done. I want her to go with me since we're both getting matching tats in October.

I've been having terrible nightmares lately and it's starting to get to me. I even had one during my nap this afternoon. And now that I'm dwelling on it I'm afraid they are going to continue simply for that fact. Weird part is, my friend told me about a weird dream he had last night and what went through his head when he woke up regarding the time. I didn't tell him, but I had a very similar dream and the EXACT same experience when I woke up. I'm trying not to read too deep into it though.


All in all, I'm doing well. Hopefully these happy moods last a while. That would be nice.

I Can't Do This

I don't know what to do, but I know what I'm going to do. I'm not ok with it yet, but it needs to happen. Who do I apologize to? Maybe just myself for being so awful. It's so cliche to say that if I make it through this I will be a better person, but I truly believe it. If I get out of this in one piece I am going to do whatever it takes to improve myself and my life. I feel like a child saying this, but I just want to be held. I need to be engulfed in someone's arms and be told that everything will be ok, because I really don't believe it this time.

"I found the cure to growing older

and you're the only place that feels like home."


Nothing has changed. I'm still feeling stale. I wrote some interesting pieces this weekend but they are still kind of rough. Maybe after I fix them up I'll post some. At the end of August I'm retreating to Tennessee for a week or two. I can't wait to spend that time away from here so I can really clear my head and get back to normal. I think this place is what ails me. I need a cabin in the woods and a daily morning walk to a beautiful body of water. I think after college I'd like to move there permanently. Maybe work at the marina for a small salary and only see the city for short vacations or visits. I could do it. Give me a few fancy parties each year to let me dress up and play pretend, then I'd go back to a peaceful life. I change my mind about everything constantly, but I truly hope I still want this in 2 years. I do, however, hope I change my mind about marriage and a family by then. Sometimes when I'm caught off guard I smile and think about how wonderful it would be to have a husband and to raise a child with him. Unfortunately that dream is interrupted the moment I speak to another human being. Men, to be more specific.




They call kids like us vicious and carved out of stone
But for what we've become, we just feel more alone
Always weigh what I've got against what I left
So progress report: I am missing you to death

I really wish

that I could feel something. It's been a while and I haven't felt any sort of way. Someone could be pleasant or fun but it won't make me happy. I guess desire could be considered a feeling, and since I 'desire' to feel something it doesn't quite make sense. I want to feel overwhelmed with happiness. I want to smile so big it hurts and feel safe and wonderful and infinite all at once. I wish a person could fix this but I know it's bigger than that.