Clever

I've adapted skills from one of my good friends. She's an expert detective and I've been taking notes. I pulled one of her schemes and it worked! No details here, just know that it worked. I'd never use information like that against someone though. It wouldn't be fair.

As soon as the gym opens this afternoon I'm gonna start my daily routine again. I'm so excited!

I guess I really don't have too much to write. Hmmm... Well I'm slowly learning that it's ok to have a little faith in some people. Not everyone lets you down. I really like that.

Epilogue

Last night was wonderful. Kaela loved it and everyone showed up like they said they would. I can't wait for the pictures to surface. We all looked cute. I feel like I needed that night so much. I think tonight I'm going to walk around a bit. I haven't done that in a while and it's so nice outside. Too bad it isn't safe to go alone. I'll bring the mase.

I haven't left my room since I've been home. They all think I'm asleep. It's too weird now. They all look at me differently. I can tell. I feel it in my bones that my tests on friday are going to be as inconclusive as the rest, and I hope after that everyone will calm down. I'm tired of tests. I still have marks on my chest from the last one. It hurt so bad. I just want things to go back to normal. I don't like this at all. I take pride in being strong and fearless, but the world knows I'm anything but that right now.

I need a familiar hug
A familiar smile
An unfamiliar hope
that will stay a while


...and although I told him, he didn't even know about the tests...

I'm More Afraid Than You Are

Tonight is Kaela's surprise birthday party. I'm really excited and hopefully all goes well. We decorated like fiends and made a big cake. I even "bought" her an expensive black dress :)

I really think that I got fucked over bad, to put it lightly. One person has done so much damage, and even though I let go and cut most of the ties the damage is still there. I am going to die all alone, but hopefully I won't have too much longer to go. Btw, I find out friday if I need a valve replacement. My test on wednesday didn't go too well, but we know now that it isn't a coronary problem or a hole, so now we are checking the pulmonary valves since that was the defect I was born with anyway. Moving on. I'm seriously screwed and no matter what I do I'm never going to love anyone ever again. As hard as I try I don't trust anyone and I can't let anyone in. Even if I'm certain that someone likes me or even cares about me I still believe that they will hurt me and lie to me. No matter what they tell me or how wonderful they are, I still believe that once they leave they are up to no good. I try so damn hard, but it doesn't help at all. The worst part is that even though I'm alone I still have the risk of getting hurt... from my lonely, paranoid self.

Look at all these hearts I broke for you

I wrote this a week ago...



Another broken heart is achieved.
Adjusting my grip, I feel its final clamor.
My hands are dripping wet, stinging from the sorrow that was kept within. Hidden.
They never showed me.
I filled them with that sorrow.
I tempted them.
Addiction was inevitable.
The streaks of tears on their faces were the most pitiful, and yet most glorious track marks one could ever behold.
Boldly displaying their lack of shame for their obsession.
I let them believe in “us”.
They continued in valiant attempts, but never completely obtained me.
I’m not sure if I even could at this point.
It’s taken me this long to realize that.
To realize a lot of things.
I’ve been addicted as well.
I tricked myself into this.
What a thing to do.
And this smell. This smell is so familiar.
This stinging on my hands, it isn’t from their blood.
It’s my own heart.
What just happened?
I’m loosing feeling in my limbs.
It’s spreading like a disease.
Like lies.
I retreat to the floor willingly, as the choice to do so was quickly fleeting.
My body begins to coil from the contamination in my blood.
From the lethal amounts of oxygen circulating throughout my body.
A side effect of the rapid and panicked breathes I struggle for.
My vision is fading and complacency is setting in.
My blood is on my hands.
I broke my own heart.

Pious and Pretty with a Deadly Disease

I'll go further into detail when I have more time, but for now I just need to tell someone about this morning. My heart finally fucked up bad. I was in class and I suddenly couldn't catch my breath. I eventually had to walk out on my class because it was too much to handle. I made it halfway down the hallway...then collapsed. It took a while for me to have enough control to do anything, but I was eventually able to call 911, not knowing the people around me had already done so. It felt like a lifetime before the ambulance came. I'm ok now. Like I said, I'll explain more later.

On a more positive note, I made some serious progress with the nonsense I had been feeling for a while and I really think I'm ok. I'm grateful for so many things, and being obsessed with something so trivial is just wrong. I love myself, and that is a wonderful feeling <3