On Letting Go

People often retreat back to old relationships simply for the comfort of it. They either feel lonely or bored, or sometimes it is just out of fear. But what is the reason for not being able to let go of a person that you never even had? There is little comfort or reassurance to be found in that person. In fact, it’s often awkward and nerve-racking to be around that person, especially with all of those "what if's" and "should I's" dancing around you both. You haven’t reached the point where you can say any and everything, and you assume the worst about the aspects of their life you haven’t been filled in on yet. There is no proof that a real relationship with this person would work, and the fact that it hasn’t happened yet says even more. So why not let go? The reason may not be clear, but for some it’s reason enough to keep holding.

I can’t be mad at the rain for falling

Because that’s what it does.


Expectations can be cruel. High hopes and harsh lows. If you know what to expect from a person, then where does disappointment come from? I’ve been struggling with this question for quite some time now. This whole thing is like a migraine. When I have one all I can think about is how I take my usual non-aching existence for granted. But as soon as it’s gone I forget I even had it. It’s illogical to think that life is not worth living because I know that every now and then I’m going to suffer from migraines, so why should I think differently of relationships? I fear them because I fear the lows. Without them there is nothing to lose. Loving a person is hard enough as it is, but then add on dedicating yourself to them and spending most of your time with that person and making them such an important aspect of your life. Can’t we just love and be loved from afar? Perhaps I’m not as over my past relationships as I thought. The wounds have healed but the unsightly scar remains. Maybe I just need a tattoo inked over it. Yes it will still be there, but I won’t have to look at it everyday and be reminded of how a relationship can potentially end up.

I Can Tell There Was An Accident Here

I know why I go to bed alone at night. Do you? Is it your choice anymore? People have been quite reassuring this week. Whenever I question my decisions regarding my social life I am often immediately reminded of why I made those decisions in the first place. Three people in one week. My first contestant was someone I cared tremendously about and I was beyond thrilled to spend time with him. I had this crazy idea in my head about some me/him/us thing, but 2 days later I learned that he is in quite the serious relationship. The reason why I am only fit into his schedule at 3am or on a random day once a month is because of someone I'd be safe in calling his girlfriend. Contestant #2 simply lied about his relationship with a friend of mine. He swore they were never more than friends and was determined to take me out and prove to me how much he wanted to date me. Fortunately I was stubborn and left soon after arriving there with a 'migraine.' The next day I saw for myself just how friendly they were. Contestant #3 had been contacting me for 2 weeks to catch up and have drinks. I was pretty certain that he wasn't single, and so of course I always said no. (I've learned from my mistakes, thank you.) Then finally, after my annoyance with his persistence peaked, I answered my phone in a very rude and blunt manor stating that he was not to call me because I don't get involved with those situations. I also made it clear that if I received a 2am phone call from an angry young lady he'd have a serious problem on his hands. After swearing he had been single for over a month and just wanted to hang out I agreed. We saw each other 3 times, mostly just talking about the past year and whatnot. Then yesterday I got a phone call at 2pm (close, right?) from a very angry girlfriend. Of course she swore they were together and he swore they weren't and I swore it was irrelevant. Headache much?

I can't say that it's a shame there aren't more single men out there, because the more men that are kept off the streets the better. Thank goodness for these dedicated girlfriends. They make my life easier by making these men unavailable. I fall for nonsense pretty often when I (think I) see potential in someone, so sometimes it's good to know they already have a female in the picture. These girls are like nicotine patches. It's great.

Did I mention I saw Shane this weekend? Another story for another time.

If It's Not Keeping You Up Nights

I had a funny feeling about this one. So much of me wanted more. A kiss, a longer embrace, an even longer stare. My heart pounded half of the night. It was beyond perfect. It was the first time in months that I felt anything at all. My reserved attitude was out of character, but so were my desperate attempts at wit and grace. I wish I had just jumped in and told him everything. That I've thought about him every day since I can remember. That I've written countless letters that never touched an envelope. That I was convinced that one kiss would fix it all. He is the one that I let slip away. The one that for the rest of my life will haunt my subconscious. I had the perfect opportunity to tell him everything, and the fact that I didn't said quite enough. I knew I was no longer the object of his affection. His poems no longer hid my name. His eyes no longer burned with desire. I was placed in a box of old warm memories, doomed to collect dust on his impressively stocked shelves forever. Re-enter numbness stage left.


I hope she inspires your hands to write a symphony. I'd give anything to send melodies shivering down your spine again.