I Don't Think You'll Ever Want To Love Me

Sometimes I purposefully get drunk so I can write. Lately I've been writing songs that I save on my computer in a file called "jot." I wanted to post something tonight that wasn't safely hiding on my desktop. I know I'm the only person in the world that reads this but it still feels different. It's out there. By chance some stranger could stumble upon this and read my words. It makes me feel connected.

I want to say things to a lot of people. I saw an old friend of mine last night that I hadn't seen in 2 years. He came into my bar with a group of friends. I think he knew I worked there but I don't know for sure. When I told my roommate about how I felt when I saw him I said that my heart dropped. I don't think it did though. I have thought about seeing him so many times and what it would be like to randomly run into him and all of the feelings I would feel. I hoped I'd be happier than him. I hoped I'd be on my game and look amazing and act collected. That's exactly what happened. He's a mess and I'm thankful things didn't work out with him. I'm just a little disappointed I didn't feel more. I wanted to be scared and nervous and anxious and excited but I wasn't. I saw him, we talked, and that was that. He made a few bold romantic comments and I uncharacteristically dismissed them. I didn't get caught up in the moment or shudder with emotions. I felt nothing and went about my business. This makes me wonder.
I think about saying things to people and pouring my heart out to certain individuals that I never had the courage to open up to before. I think about certain people every day and recite in my head what I would say and do if I ever had the chance. I worry now though. If I had the chance would I take it? Would it matter at all to me? Once the fantasy comes within arms reach will I still feel the same about it?
I don't consider these worries to be a flaw. That's the point of fantasies. They are not supposed to be attainable, and if they are they are no longer desirable like they once were. I have a fear that I am exactly that.
I think I might start posting my songs on here. I was playing guitar in my living room today and I put a few lines to chords. I'm on par with Kimya Dawson, and that's wonderful to me.
I didn't accomplish what I wanted to tonight. I'll talk about what I really wanted to talk about some other time.