One of Those Nights

I really lost it today. Between my loan nightmare and never ending health issues I just couldn't handle things anymore. After spending an hour on a bus to go to my doctor's appointment I arrived to find that there was a scheduling error on behalf of a new employee and they regrettably could not see me. Not that the particular reason I had to settle for the facility in the middle of nowhere had anything to do with time sensitivity or anything. I'm pretty sure everyone in the office could hear me from the front desk. I let out a lot of frustration there. Speaking of health issues, Michael made it all the way to boot camp in South Carolina to discover his recruiter never sent in a clearance form he got filled out for a cyst he had removed quite a while ago. The doctors at Paris Island said that without that form they can't let him into Marine boot camp. After having his departure date changed multiple times and finally preparing himself to leave and say his goodbyes he had to come home 24 hours later. My parents are a mess and so is Michael. Now we all get to say goodbye at least one more time as his new departure date is "possibly the 16th but probably the 22nd." Go fuck yourself Uncle Sam. And that was just my morning. Trust me, it got worse. I'm pretty sure my environment isn't helping when it comes to handling my problems. I'm surrounded by people that have never even made a doctor's appointment on their own, let alone finance a college education or pay for books or a phone bill. I would put money down saying that they have never paid for gas or food either. Their parents hold their hands and support them financially and emotionally. I can't help but be bitter. My friends think it's crazy that I'm taking 18 credits this semester but realistically that's the easiest part of the process. I wish they had one goddamn clue.

At this point in my post I am quite inebriated. Just saying.

Being alone isn't as easy as I thought it would be. I've been fine for over a year but today was unbearable. I'd kill a person for a hug right now. My friends get so annoyed with me when I turn away guys that are "a catch" or anything like that awful term. Truth is, I couldn't love a person that doesn't know the meaning of struggle. I thought it was a bit extreme that I wouldn't date someone if they didn't listen to the same music as me, but to me turning people away because they received handouts their whole life makes just as much sense. How could they understand me? I'm done blaming myself for failed attempts at love. People look down on me for not settling and I'm more than ok with that. I'd rather say that I gave it a shot (or twelve) and didn't find the right person than date one person and just stick it out for the hell of it. Will I end up alone? Probably. But I'd rather be alone than be with someone borderline tolerable.


I used to assume so many things, then I became cynical, and now I'm at a point where I wish I just believed things. I could have sworn you loved me, then I thought it was just an egotistical assumption and you actually didn't, and now I pretend you do when I'm falling asleep listening to a playlist I made for you (but never gave you). I'm too afraid to take this step on my own and I just wish you'd grab my hand like you used to. I know I'm not walking into traffic, but it still feels like it. Just grab my hand.